Friday, 27 April 2012

The Warrior-Writer's Diet

If you are a writer, you are aware of the fact that writing is possibly the most time consuming job on the planet. (citation needed) You can't delegate. You can't pay someone else to do it. It's all you-- and sadly, there's only one of you. And sometimes, you need to do things like sleep, empty your bladder, and eat. I haven't yet been able to find a way around the first two (working on it), but I believe I have made progress on eliminating the third annoying hindrance as much as humanly possible

Everything else in your life can be easily parted with; friends, family, pets, entertainment, the outside world, and hygiene. Male writers generally stop showering, while female writers stop shaving. We become smelly, hairy beasts as we immerse ourselves in our respective worlds, happily disregarding most bodily functions. Until they force us to pay attention. Then we become slaves to the exhausting, time-wasting whims of our meat-suits.

Balance? Yeah, right. Does anyone have balance between their life and their writing? No; it's all-consuming. And if you're not being consumed, you're probably not doing it right. Why are you slacking off to pee? You should be working harder. You should be taking the laptop with you, and writing WHILE you pee. Will you allow your kidneys and bladder to sabotage your career and ruin your life? Believe me, your urethra is laughing as it steals away precious minutes.

Regardless of how smelly and hairy you are, you can still do more. I have carefully devised a strategy of eating that requires spending no more than ten minutes in the kitchen per day. It also provides you the basic nutrition necessary to function, and may even result in weight loss.

Disclaimer: This diet is EXTREME and can only be implemented correctly if you are a bachelor/bachelorette without kids or a spouse to feed.  Do not attempt if pregnant or nursing. Nadia and her associates claim no responsibility for bodily harm incurred by the adherence to these instructions. 

This is a three step program.

Step One: Multivitamins.
Step Two: Lunchables.
Step Three: Zap frozen meat and veggies.

This is my proven method. I'm not joking. Let me elaborate.

Step One is self-explanatory. You are a writer; you probably don't drink milk or go outside to get sun, and you can't afford the time it takes to prepare beef. You need those vitamins.

Step Two is more complex. Lunchables are heavenly gifts from God and Zeus. You can rip them out of the fridge, instantly devour them, and go back to work. You can even eat them while working. They pleasantly greet your taste-buds on the way in with a mushed combination of three different food groups. That's right. Lunchables are the key to success, and they have been since the beginning of time! The Pharaohs ate them, and so did Nostradamus. You want to stock up on these until your fridge is brimming. Then you never need to leave the house. Productivity will increase.
Note: Can be substituted with tortilla chips and cheese/salsa. 
Note #2: Notice the complete absence of fresh fruits and vegetables. You are a writer. You do not have time to peel or chop things! Cast those outlandish ideas aside.
Note #3: The alcohol is not a necessary part of the writer's diet, but may be included in times of desperate need for inspiration. 

Step Three is very intricate. Let's talk about frozen stuff, a.k.a. buried treasure. Each box of nearly-cryogenic calories contains a glorious gem of time-saving magnificence. Veggies keep their nutrients when frozen, so it's good for you and fast.
Note: To properly receive the benefits of stockpiling your freezer with frozen meals, YOU CANNOT STAND AND STARE WHILE THEY ARE BEING MICROWAVED. No. You will stick them in the microwave, and then you will go back to writing. Posthaste.

You aren't going to waste three to seven minutes watching a rectangle rotate.  You're better than that. You have writing to do. And you WILL write more, and more amazingly than you have ever written in your life. The power is in you-- you took the multivitamins. You ate the Lunchables. 

You're a superhero.


  1. And best of all, you can write up an account of your characters being hygienic and well fed and well rested :D

    1. This is one of the best things I have ever read concerning the life of a writer. I, myself know how hard it is to find the time to write with so many distractions but I totally agree with you! Keep up the good work